An Open Letter to my Parents
note. this blog may normally be to describe how my day is,or what new fucked up thing i saw on the web. right now, i need to vent. it's late and i don't have anywhere to vent but here. - 2/18/06
My dear parents,
you raised me up and have given influence to how i live my life today. can't say you did a bad job because for the most part, i am ok. no psychosis or whatever else.
if i come home and not hungry, it's because i am tired and not hungry.
it is because i come home at 9pm on school nights, and so i will eat when i am hungry or ready, not because i don't want to join at the table.
if i am fat, i know it. you do not have to tell me every time you see me i am fat. i already don't eat out much with the rest of the coworkers. i don't eat breakfast. i have decreased how many times i eat at buffets. i drink more water than coke than before. i don't have seconds at dinner when i do eat dinner. pls stop telling me i am getting fat. "well then, who else will tell you?" me. i tell myself when i look in the mirror. when i step on the scale in the morning.
i know i have to exercise, and i am getting there. leave me alone.
if i come home quiet, it is because i have nothing too nice to say. not because i don't want to talk, but what else will i bring home other than my frustrations at work. i am no longer the project engineer at Lockheed when I first started. i have become cynical. i have become pessimistic. i try to avoid the problems but they hunt me down. i cannot even fucking pee when someone says "Got a minute?" what am i to do? ignore that? that means i am not doing my job. but it also means i have to fucking do their job by telling them WHAT to do. I've already told them they need to think, but their workaround for that is that they think to ask me. i am only 29 years old. this is my first real job out of college. i don't have a fucking professional engineer's license. and when i have one asking me how to do engineering, it gets frustrating. do you think it only happens once in a while? try once every 5 mins. "i bet the other supervisors don' have that problem, you just take it more personal".
it's cause they have compentent people, Mom. or they have no people at all. but they at last have people who know what the fuck is going on. me, i have two people i can leave alone, one who tells me everything, and one who complains about how their job is. the process etc, and what we get paid to do, it is complained about. i just want to say shut the fuck up, i;m tired of this bullshit about you calling everything bullshit, and if you hate the process so much, get the fuck out and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out,..but no. i can't quite say that. i stay late at work to make up hours, but i also have the hopes the others go home early so i can do my own work. i am the fucking comic relief at work, Mom. even my manager said so cuz our morale is low. why deny it? nurses don't get laid off. engineers do. i have nowhere else to go. you tell me i take it too personally? because if i don't, i have not done my job, and the failure of those engineers is a failure to me and i do NOT want to fail. i joke around about "get r done" but the fact is, if i am not optimistic, i will be brought down lower to being pessimistic. i refuse that.
you tell me i have no patience due to lack of sleep? i have a lot on my mind. work. school. lack of a life. when i say back off, please. back off. back. the. fuck. off. i can do very well with 5 hours of sleep. i do not need 8. i feel more tired with 8. leave me alone. it's not that i am impatient. it's the fact that you imply there is a problem when there isn't one, and make a fuss wheni keep saying there isn't, making me come across as defensive. it's like when Brian called me disgruntled. i wasn't until he called me so.
you ask why i am still single and why i am so picky? i am not. i keep getting compliments from some friends, and i dare not say lip-service because it lessens their importance as friends, but face it. i am inept. my friends ask how can someone who can be social be so fucked up? not exactly mentioned that way, but come on. you all, with the help of the relatives, practically forbade me to go out in HS. you will say no, but for me to go against the 'recommendation' for lack of a better word, makes me seem disobedient and the fucking family system would trace that down to the uncles and aunts saying i'm bad. i didn't learn how to meet people, so i improvised. wait til you have a diploma, you said. check. ok, wait til you have a degree. check. wait til you have a job. check. wait til... wait til what? there's nothing fucking left! i'm not getting younger and i have not been in any kind of relationship. maybe i make a big deal out of it, yeah, i'm damn sure my friends are sick and tired of it. but they have experienced it, and i have not, really. people i've liked had always been far away, interested in my friends, interested in others, were not available (married people scare me), or were gay and didn't like guys. and i am short. what i don't have in height or being someone else, i try to make up for however i can, but even that might not be good enough. how would i know?
do i pray? maybe not as much as you do, but faith is personal. if i don't wake up and start the day off with a prayer, that will be between me and God. Just because i don't fucking say Praise Jesus before each meal...and i know y'all don't either, but just because i don't either does not mean i don't pray. i pray every day. all prayer is, is talking with God. i have a rosary in my truck. it's not just there for decoration or for it to swing left and right, to and fro whenever i go over a speed bump. i pray in my own way.
do i say this shit with my friends or coworkers?
no. because they don't make snide comments about my appearance, or whatever else... and if they do, they damn well know i'll either be defensive or offensive if it's the first thing mentioned. i don't go to people and say "what's your problem?" out of the blue. wtf way is that to say "what's new?" i don't have to give a reason if i don't want to go on a vacation. i can see new fucking scenery at the mall. i have no interest in las vegas. i just want y'all to shut up about it that i said, ok, whatever, send me an email. not because i was interested and wanted it on email... i was busy at work, and you call almost daily asking about it. i don't need or want vacation, least of all there. and if i change my mind, it's my right. if i cared about money, i'd rather spend more going to disney fucking world or new orleans than to las vegas. but, i can't due to class schedule and the place is dead to me. that and i may have gotten a little increase at work, maybe i wanted to save it. i already don't buy as many dvds as i used to.
i go out and drink a lot? Fuck that shit. i have 1-2 beers and i am happy. i can drink more, feel shitty about it later, but choose not to. just because i go out does not mean i drink a shitload. i go because the people i go out with have things in common with me. we share the same frustrations, the same issues, and even though it's the same old shit, they fully understand what i mean when i have had a day full of EPO. they don't reverse it and say "you're just not seeing it from their side" or "maybe a little more patience". i am tired of it all.
i am mentally and psychologically tired. and that takes it toll physically. i am tired. i don't want to or have to deal with shit when i have asked to drop things.
"well, who will remind you?"
me. me. me. if i choose not to listen to me, how the fuck do you expect me to listen to you? to anyone else? why don't i take control of my life, you ask? i am. one step at a fucking time. it takes a lot to stop smoking and stay that way. i'm taking it one step at a time and have stopped, even when i wanted to last week and this week. i behaved. i'm behaving. it takes a lot to portion control. i'm getting there. i am listening to me. if i want advice, i ask for it. otherwise, stop your nagging.
you are my parents. i may not say or show 'thanks' in the way you wish, but i do try. i know and have accepted that while i'm normal compared to others, i am still fucked up. now please, as i love you all, leave me alone. and when you say if i keep this up, i'll die by 35, when i respond let me just die tonight and get it over with, that does not mean i am putting blame on you for how i feel and think. it just means leave. me. alone.
i see myself in the mirror. in the dark room staring at the ceiling. during the quiet drive to work and school. i know all of my fallacies. if not me, then who? i respect you all. chill out and give me mine.
My dear parents,
you raised me up and have given influence to how i live my life today. can't say you did a bad job because for the most part, i am ok. no psychosis or whatever else.
if i come home and not hungry, it's because i am tired and not hungry.
it is because i come home at 9pm on school nights, and so i will eat when i am hungry or ready, not because i don't want to join at the table.
if i am fat, i know it. you do not have to tell me every time you see me i am fat. i already don't eat out much with the rest of the coworkers. i don't eat breakfast. i have decreased how many times i eat at buffets. i drink more water than coke than before. i don't have seconds at dinner when i do eat dinner. pls stop telling me i am getting fat. "well then, who else will tell you?" me. i tell myself when i look in the mirror. when i step on the scale in the morning.
i know i have to exercise, and i am getting there. leave me alone.
if i come home quiet, it is because i have nothing too nice to say. not because i don't want to talk, but what else will i bring home other than my frustrations at work. i am no longer the project engineer at Lockheed when I first started. i have become cynical. i have become pessimistic. i try to avoid the problems but they hunt me down. i cannot even fucking pee when someone says "Got a minute?" what am i to do? ignore that? that means i am not doing my job. but it also means i have to fucking do their job by telling them WHAT to do. I've already told them they need to think, but their workaround for that is that they think to ask me. i am only 29 years old. this is my first real job out of college. i don't have a fucking professional engineer's license. and when i have one asking me how to do engineering, it gets frustrating. do you think it only happens once in a while? try once every 5 mins. "i bet the other supervisors don' have that problem, you just take it more personal".
it's cause they have compentent people, Mom. or they have no people at all. but they at last have people who know what the fuck is going on. me, i have two people i can leave alone, one who tells me everything, and one who complains about how their job is. the process etc, and what we get paid to do, it is complained about. i just want to say shut the fuck up, i;m tired of this bullshit about you calling everything bullshit, and if you hate the process so much, get the fuck out and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out,..but no. i can't quite say that. i stay late at work to make up hours, but i also have the hopes the others go home early so i can do my own work. i am the fucking comic relief at work, Mom. even my manager said so cuz our morale is low. why deny it? nurses don't get laid off. engineers do. i have nowhere else to go. you tell me i take it too personally? because if i don't, i have not done my job, and the failure of those engineers is a failure to me and i do NOT want to fail. i joke around about "get r done" but the fact is, if i am not optimistic, i will be brought down lower to being pessimistic. i refuse that.
you tell me i have no patience due to lack of sleep? i have a lot on my mind. work. school. lack of a life. when i say back off, please. back off. back. the. fuck. off. i can do very well with 5 hours of sleep. i do not need 8. i feel more tired with 8. leave me alone. it's not that i am impatient. it's the fact that you imply there is a problem when there isn't one, and make a fuss wheni keep saying there isn't, making me come across as defensive. it's like when Brian called me disgruntled. i wasn't until he called me so.
you ask why i am still single and why i am so picky? i am not. i keep getting compliments from some friends, and i dare not say lip-service because it lessens their importance as friends, but face it. i am inept. my friends ask how can someone who can be social be so fucked up? not exactly mentioned that way, but come on. you all, with the help of the relatives, practically forbade me to go out in HS. you will say no, but for me to go against the 'recommendation' for lack of a better word, makes me seem disobedient and the fucking family system would trace that down to the uncles and aunts saying i'm bad. i didn't learn how to meet people, so i improvised. wait til you have a diploma, you said. check. ok, wait til you have a degree. check. wait til you have a job. check. wait til... wait til what? there's nothing fucking left! i'm not getting younger and i have not been in any kind of relationship. maybe i make a big deal out of it, yeah, i'm damn sure my friends are sick and tired of it. but they have experienced it, and i have not, really. people i've liked had always been far away, interested in my friends, interested in others, were not available (married people scare me), or were gay and didn't like guys. and i am short. what i don't have in height or being someone else, i try to make up for however i can, but even that might not be good enough. how would i know?
do i pray? maybe not as much as you do, but faith is personal. if i don't wake up and start the day off with a prayer, that will be between me and God. Just because i don't fucking say Praise Jesus before each meal...and i know y'all don't either, but just because i don't either does not mean i don't pray. i pray every day. all prayer is, is talking with God. i have a rosary in my truck. it's not just there for decoration or for it to swing left and right, to and fro whenever i go over a speed bump. i pray in my own way.
do i say this shit with my friends or coworkers?
no. because they don't make snide comments about my appearance, or whatever else... and if they do, they damn well know i'll either be defensive or offensive if it's the first thing mentioned. i don't go to people and say "what's your problem?" out of the blue. wtf way is that to say "what's new?" i don't have to give a reason if i don't want to go on a vacation. i can see new fucking scenery at the mall. i have no interest in las vegas. i just want y'all to shut up about it that i said, ok, whatever, send me an email. not because i was interested and wanted it on email... i was busy at work, and you call almost daily asking about it. i don't need or want vacation, least of all there. and if i change my mind, it's my right. if i cared about money, i'd rather spend more going to disney fucking world or new orleans than to las vegas. but, i can't due to class schedule and the place is dead to me. that and i may have gotten a little increase at work, maybe i wanted to save it. i already don't buy as many dvds as i used to.
i go out and drink a lot? Fuck that shit. i have 1-2 beers and i am happy. i can drink more, feel shitty about it later, but choose not to. just because i go out does not mean i drink a shitload. i go because the people i go out with have things in common with me. we share the same frustrations, the same issues, and even though it's the same old shit, they fully understand what i mean when i have had a day full of EPO. they don't reverse it and say "you're just not seeing it from their side" or "maybe a little more patience". i am tired of it all.
i am mentally and psychologically tired. and that takes it toll physically. i am tired. i don't want to or have to deal with shit when i have asked to drop things.
"well, who will remind you?"
me. me. me. if i choose not to listen to me, how the fuck do you expect me to listen to you? to anyone else? why don't i take control of my life, you ask? i am. one step at a fucking time. it takes a lot to stop smoking and stay that way. i'm taking it one step at a time and have stopped, even when i wanted to last week and this week. i behaved. i'm behaving. it takes a lot to portion control. i'm getting there. i am listening to me. if i want advice, i ask for it. otherwise, stop your nagging.
you are my parents. i may not say or show 'thanks' in the way you wish, but i do try. i know and have accepted that while i'm normal compared to others, i am still fucked up. now please, as i love you all, leave me alone. and when you say if i keep this up, i'll die by 35, when i respond let me just die tonight and get it over with, that does not mean i am putting blame on you for how i feel and think. it just means leave. me. alone.
i see myself in the mirror. in the dark room staring at the ceiling. during the quiet drive to work and school. i know all of my fallacies. if not me, then who? i respect you all. chill out and give me mine.
posted by Bum at 22:19
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