here

i'm sitting here at the kitchen island, listening to the ticking of the clock. ticking and tocking, reminding me that i am one second, one minute, one moment in time closer to dying. really, the more we live, the more we die. one way of looking at it. this post is not really meant to amuse anyone or to try and make you laugh. if you're looking for that, try checking out the archives. who knows, you might run into the posts about the playboy playmates like karen macdougal and victoria silvstedt. maybe even run into the napoleon dynamite figures by mcfarlane. yeah, i know by putting those words in this paragraph, it'll prolly send people from google or search engines to this post. at this time, i'm actually smiling and chuckling to myself.

i'm sitting here in the kitchen and staring at the white walls, still listening to the clock ticking and tocking.
in the back of my mind, i see myself earlier today sitting on an orange chair, feet propped over the trash can, sitting with Jessica. i'm staring at their office door, and she stops and turns, looking at me quietly. i mean, she just...sat there in her chair and looked at me. peripheral vision, man. peripheral vision. looked at her, looked back at the door, looked back at the wall, looked at the floor, then just stared back at her. can you read my mind?

Whatcha thinkin, Bum Bum?

what am i thinking? i have the fallacy of wearing my heart on my sleeves, my lips, my eyes, what do you read now? i wear the face that says, hi, i am hyper active. hi, i am here. hi, i would be happy and should be happy to be so content. hi, i am pissed off at how work is right now, not so much the work i do because i like it, but for just the decreasing morale that silently is tearing away at us one way or another, however we are affected. hi, my name is bum, and i am guilty of having envy on my mind. hi, i do not know where i am going nor do i know what i am doing. which of these do you see? do you see only one, or do you see them all?

here. here i am. i can't show you a smile right now, and i am glad it is just a white screen staring back at me, moving text to match the tapping of keys on a laptop. sniffling cuz of sinuses being congested, but not too badly. i know this fucked up shit will be gone by tomorrow and i won't sound AS nasally. Or as Cindy put it, "raspy, sexy, husky smoker voice". huh.

Whatcha thinkin, Bum Bum?

I keep hearing that question in my head. Weird and fucked up? maybe, but it's true. it's true because it's a question i still don't have an answer for. I have a lot on my mind, i've been having a lot on my mind, and instead of a new thought replacing others that have been thought and cleared, it's all retaining inside and building up upon each other. wait wait wait, you're starting to not make sense. ok, let me explain.

normally, i get some thought or two or so in my head, and either i say fuck it, or put it off til later or just... i dunno. figure it out or rationalize it. lately, i haven't. for crying out loud, i don't have a fucking appetite. does that tell you who know me anything? i am too busy thinking to eat. i am surrounded by friends i do love, and yet i feel so alone. utterly, furiously, sadly, alone.

i have my job, i have some sort of health, but the way i am being an ass to myself, that might not last long. no worries, i'll be good, i promise. just as i stay awake wondering what i'd miss if i went to sleep, i'm gonna be late for my own funeral many years from now, hopefully. but like i was saying, i have my job. i have family. i have friends. and yet, here i am selfishly thinking of just feeling alone.

i'm really trying to be good and trying to break out of my old habits. Even Hung called me out on it 4 years ago. Yes, fuck my memory for remembring this shit. We were sitting in 29, at my old desk. and it was after hours. another story that i'll kindly spare the details. long story short, i'm tired of making excuses for being unhappy. i'm tired of short temporary solutions of happiness. for fuck's sake, i'm trying to get rid of the DVDs and all other shit. i am just not content. i hate the fact that i am losing friends to this layoff period. i hate the fact that some friends are getting shafted at work. but what can i do? i am trying, i tried, and i can't do shit about it. but i'm trying to help if i can. but it just doesn't seem enough. fuck, DON'T give me a fucking raise. i know we used to joke about it, the others who've been passed up for a year and a half, but FUCK, if we didn't get raises or whatever else, maybe we can keep some folks. i don't know. i hate not being in control.

i was single and ok, but it's wearing down on me. my friends have significant others, are getting engaged, have gotten married, are having kids. i just want one healthy fucking relationship before i die. but i don't even know where to start. i'm telling myself i'm just not trying hard enough cuz everyone else says i have a lot going for me. don't bother listing them out because i hear it a lot. and no, i'm not an ungrateful ass letting those words fall on deaf ears, i'm just tired. and here. yes, i am an asshole. yeah, there's a chance someone will say, but what about me? well, you're either too young, too old, or not my type. fuck me for saying it, but that's me. i'm not gonna care at this point if you think i'm an ass. fuck you for thinking me as one. how about that? and if you still are reading this, and don't think i'm an ass, and someone i consider a friend...
that is why you are my friend. just pretend i had too much and finally spewing it all out. doesn't look good, doesn't smell good, but just let it go and tomorrow just might be a new day.

i'm still throwing it up. what am i thinking, Bum Bum? i am thinking i just want to sleep. just sleep. close my eyes. live my life vicariously in a dream, even for just a little bit, not through someone else. that's what got me thinking all this shit to begin with.

i'm tired. i have energy to run circles and skip up and down right now, but i am drained. like, i just don't care. i do care, but don't. surely, maybe, some of you have felt this way. but not pussied out like me right now for sharing it. it's cool. i just felt i wanted to pass the time typing out what i was thinking. i'm tired. tired for many reasons. just enough strength to show some flair and a weak smirk.

i've been posting happy stuff lately, why the change? cuz i'm confused between yes and no. questions that make me think again. ones where i don't really have the answers to. maybe i do. but i'm not sure. do i try to find out or just stay at what if? there will always be what if. regardless. i don't know. i smile. i am myself. i can act goofy. ok, i do that anyways. but still. i'm not gonna say what i think here cuz it's just stupid stupid stupid. even when to me it isn't stupid, it will come out as fucked up stupid. but you know, when i do think of why i smile, to me, it's ok. it gives me a sincere smile inside. and for a synapse, i don't think of anything else. i just see a smile... "why'd you have to be so cute? it's impossible to ignore you. must you make me smile so much? say goodnight and go. " to sorta paraphrase Imogen. i'm tired and i can't fucking see the screen anymore.