Just Friends

“The ‘friend zone’ is like
the penalty box of dating,
only you can never get out.
Once a girl decides you’re her ‘friend,’,
it’s game over. You’ve become a complete,
nonsexual entity in her eyes,
like her brother,...or a lamp.”
-Chris Brander (Ryan Reynolds)

The friend zone. You know, there may have been two or three times in twenty nine years I bordered there, but didn't fall completely in. Two or three times. The other times, and I'm losing count, it was for some reason whatsoever. Either I wasn't "attractive, or witty, or charming, or cute, or tall, or pick a hang-up here", enough, or because they preferred one of my friends and I was their "inside information" to that friend, or whatever other excuse... Other times, most often than not, I just didn't say FUCK IT and just dive in and see if Lady Luck was with me with the particular lady. Before you start reading this, IF you start reading this, don't read it from the perspective that this is going to be a drawn-out pity party for a lonely person. No. It's 4 fucking AM, I don't have that much alcohol in my system...that I know of, but I just wanted to say something here other than an EPO or what news is on cnn.com or whatever. I just wanted to get this out.

i'm not fully afraid of death, but i am very cautious of asking someone out with the word 'date' being involved. would you like to hang out? no problem. wanna go do something tonight/[insert day here]? ok. but i have a current hangup on saying exactly, "wanna go out on a date?"

it stems from me thinking too much. If i don't mention 'date', maybe they'll be more apt to go hang out, and i like their company. Ah, selling the package, but selling it short... but throw in one word in there, and you get either a different response, or as I would hate it, put the other person in an awkward position. say yes and mean it, say yes cuz you got cornered, say yes and try to back out nicely later, say no upfront with a nice comforting excuse, or just say no.
so many options. all awkward, unless they do want to say yes and mean it.

shit, that and then if they respond with a yes... well, honestly, i haven't thought that far. TO be brutally honest here, there are times when I'm at work, or at school, and just listen in on what the other folks did the night before. Living vicariously. Nod my head, listen in, smile, joke with... but all the while, live vicariously. How the guys just easily picked up strangers at a club. How these girls just walked up to them. How they've all been in all of these relationships and situations. Living vicariously through them.

I've had a few hangups and whatever you want to call it situations from elementary school, Jr/High School, all the way through college. There are times I want to break out of that shell and want to just tell someone "hey, i probably sound like a dumbass right now trying to be honest and say I like you and attracted to you cuz you're attractive some way some how, either because of your charm and smile, the way you carry yourself, your personality, your interests, your looks...and wonder what you thought", because i feel that maybe they might be a little bit interested in me too...or at least a chance they might be...or my friends say or try to convince me that "she's into you" ...

but sometimes, and i am smiling and laughing while typing this, when I'm getting to where i want to say that, before i even get it out, they come out and say they're into other women only, or mention some guy they didn't mention before, and not only that, ask advice about how guys would think so that they can plan on whether or not it's worth going after that guy. i guess it'd be ok if only they didn't have a clue you were into them, but if once in a while i venture out and throw signs... and from what i'm told, they're subtle and yet not so... and STILL get asked about other guys... that's usually the worst feeling of what do they have that i don't? so no. she wasn't into me. false positive, false hope. next person in line please?

this is misery. put me out of it.

Just friends? It's safer. But it gets boring as fuck sometimes. Can't have too many friends. I know. But 3rd wheeling it after all these years has me a lil bitter. i may be a boring motherfucker, but fuck it, i know to give flowers and get a girl to smile and laugh now and then, and i'm not an asshole 24/7... just at 4:30 am when i'm awake and thinking instead of dreaming of my dreamgirl. PICK ME for once, damnit. "here I am, standing in your doorway...I have always been standing in your doorway". so it's still not a pity time, but right now the more i think of it, i'm currently a bitter motherfucker at near 5am. so help me fucking god, please don't start my morning off in 4 or so hours with an EPO moment. tell them to let me sit down at my desk, read through the 20-30 emails that magically deliciously appeared between 9pm Wednesday and 9am Thursday, delete some and file some so i can receive more email... get ONE item I wanted to get done...done...and THEN let me know what issues they have. Just this one this week. With that said and done, i'm gonna fucking toothbrush now and get ready for bed. and then hopefully wake up 1.5 hours from now when my alarm goes off, and try to get myself in the shower to fully wake my ass up. and say that from the time of the 3rd EPO til now, this was just part of a dream.

ha ha... fuck. i read someone else's journal, and man, at first, i was hatin',... but fuck...at 4am, revelation's hittin and in a way, i'm feelin sorry for them too.

i was gonna ask y'all who bothered to read THIS far after visiting this blog (outside of looking for fucking Napoleon Dynamite figure pictures) to give me some input, but this being my 999th entry... i'm gonna say fuck it. surprise me. give me input anonymous or not, whether giving me an Amen Brother, what the fuck, or just holler at me and ask "They're making Napoleon Dynamite figures????" ha ha. fuck you. Just kidding. :) it's 4:46 am, and I'm starting to smile with this paragraph. anyways... it'd be neat to hear what someone else thinks. Good night good morning from 4:54 am