Lost count reading between the lines

Lost Count - Ebba Forsberg
been walked
out upon
or been the one
walking out
on the ones I love
Like a ghost standing or sitting,
I am beside myself listening to this song silently in my head...
Can't really say it's the appropriate soundtrack, but again, just awhile ago,
I began to reflect upon a common thread of my life
where I have to scratch my head and laugh.
Laugh, really, because I ask myself, who. what. where, when and how. but most often, why.
Lost count. I haven't really. My memory won't allow me.
Not so much because I have requested to forget.
made my life a mess
can't put the blame on no one but myself
lost hope
lost faith
so many times I lost count
I've lost count of the number of times I've liked someone and have been too chicken shit to admit it for fear of the whole... well, maybe if i speak up, whatever little is there will all but disappear, so salvage what i do have. I think it's a selfish approach, but i'm not the first or last. And it's not gender specific, I guess. But the point is, several times, whether or not I've expressed it, when I like a girl, they've almost always...no... they've always liked someone else. What about me? Oh, i'm too nice or I'm such a friend they didn't want to change that.
been stumbling
groping caught
but found a way out of each and every trap
somehow
Jroo put it best when she said:
"The Default Boyfriend (DBF) - Do you have one? He’s the guy to whom you can cry about your real boyfriend, the guy who will act like your man when something heinous attempts to hit on you, the one that will coddle you when you feel girlish, and be your Valentine when no alternate suitor shows up at your doorstep. Typically, to be honest, he’s the nicest guy in the world, but still not someone you’d date, though you’d never voice an actual reason not to, because that reason is probably something superficial and cruel. He’s too short. He has no money. He’s a bit effeminate. I can do better. Really the only ouchless reason to not date a guy is because you or he is gay."
so far my life's been a mess
can't put the blame on no one but myself
lost hope
lost faith
so many times
I lost count
It was funny reading that because you know it, but it actually does exist because someone else validated it. Amy? Her family and friends and son thought I was decent. She went back to her old boyfriend who she swore she hated and whom also her son did not like a bit. Someone else from years back... kept complaining that their SO had issues, had few things in common, and yet we did... but no. apparently wasn't enough,... what got this line of thinking started is that I thought to myself, it's always humbling when you see who got picked over you. Sometimes, I think, what'd they have that I didn't? Is there anything wrong with me? And then times, where I say, well, shit, how could I compete?
I lost count
lost hope
lost faith
so many times I lost count
been walked
out upon
or been the one
walking out
Tonight, I got both worlds. On on hand, I have to say, well...shit. this is why I didn't get picked. But at the same time, after hearing back comments from two others, both of whom...well, especially one who has yet to lie, tell me I'm better and that i'm not a major asshole... it sets me back asking. why. Yeah, i'm losing count. I'm losing some hope. I'm losing some faith. I'm losing count. And yet, I have to reset and tell myself "Fuck It" and move on and learn. How much longer? I don't know.