Return to myself
Cindy sent me a link tonight about a girl who has a blog-like webpage. So, i read it, and yeah, i liked her point of view and honesty and just whatever's on her mind. Or at least, that's what I got out of it. It got me to thinking... you know, it's refreshing.
Truth sets you free. Sometimes I hate being a prisoner, but at times there are things i'd prefer locked up. At least from some people. It's safer that way, I guess. So where does that put me? Lord knows i'd love to just speak my mind a lot of times. and not when i'm alcohol induced. ha ha. how do you REALLY feel? no idea. ok. i reckon.
The last few weeks, as some of my good close friends know have been a fun roller coaster. Whether it's work or social life, or school... it's been a lesson in balance. Yeah, balance. Maybe it's the Libra in me, but I actually need some form of balance in my little domain of a life. And i'm trying to get there. Sometimes it's within reach. You know, doing ok in school, making headway in other goals and wishlists, and work..well... just a nice day where I leave and i feel like i did something. And I really do apologize to Jess and Hailz for just venting, but for some reason, I find some comfort in that. I've taken up to mints' now and then, and yeah, i was behaving, but ..fuck, sometimes..well..more often than not, i wonder if it's a wasted attempt to try and go a little extra mile to impress anyone for that extra attention. so as I told Corral... 'fuck it', ... until i get my head screwed on right and kick habits.
point being. i don't know if there's really a point. anyways. on Jroo's xanga note, it was funny and cool reading about plan Bs and DBFs and RBFs and DGFs and RGFs.
"what d word?"
Date. Time to turn in my player card cuz it's been 8 years since I've been on a date. Well, I think so. Unless you count the time I went out with Amy to dinner... which was 2 yrs ago now..holy shit, HAS it been 2 years now? Either way, i cringe at that word. Jroo mentioned it:
I know what you're thinking: why'd you go on the date in the first place? If you're asking that, you clearly haven't read the multitude of posts about how I get TRICKED into these situations. Well, maybe not "tricked" so much as "asked," where I'll find myself ill-equipped, without an excuse, and without the grits to say no.
Honestly? cuz in the back of my mind, i'd rather go out. No worries or cares of fucking up. Peter Sarsgaard said it best in Garden State. I'm okay with being unimpressive, I sleep better. I didn't have to worry that so-and-so wasn't tricked or whatever into hanging out. And by now you might be thinking, not so much the best esteem right now? no, not really. just being honest. See it in that perspective. You never know unless you try, but you've got 6th sense and just whatever else. Maybe here lies my problem. I'm scared. I'd rather be like this for awhile and be ok then to try and get set back a few years. I don't know. I'm slowly getting out of my shell. But I'm also scared to see my shadow. this is when i am, one day at a time.
You got a minute?
At work, I ask myself, am I doing a good, decent job? Sometimes, it's rewarding, sometimes, it's frustrating, sometimes... i stare at my Serenity Prayer wall decoration. several times. and i can't do anything but watch. provide insight. whatever. sometimes, i ask myself, why did i ever say yes? pride. selfishness. reluctance. i just frickin hope i'm helping. that's all i hope and wish. fuck, i took pride in what i could do. you want it when? you can get it by then. watch. now... if they'd let me, i would and could. and yeah, i understand we work with folks outside our walls that make us want to pull our hair out and just scream. i feel their frustrations, but what can i do but listen and see what i can do? i can't wave my wand and make it happen. one, it's not the same, and two, it's better for others to learn what i learned, and i'm still learning. do i have a minute? it's all i have.
Hands and Knees
Dear God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm religious, but not fanatical.
I know stories, but I can't always pick out verses and chapters and the like.
I'd rather just... try and be good, and try harder everytime i realize i fuck up.
and then there are the times i just have no clue. i stare outside my window some nights and just look up. silence. something in that silence that makes me open my mouth and say words that don't come out... they just float out from my thoughts outside. help me. thank You for what You've given, and what You continue to do. Thank You for the answered prayers, and slowly but surely as I realize them, the unanswered prayers as well.
I just read this a few minutes ago...
and right now, i need it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
Tomorrow's another day. let's see what happens.
Truth sets you free. Sometimes I hate being a prisoner, but at times there are things i'd prefer locked up. At least from some people. It's safer that way, I guess. So where does that put me? Lord knows i'd love to just speak my mind a lot of times. and not when i'm alcohol induced. ha ha. how do you REALLY feel? no idea. ok. i reckon.
The last few weeks, as some of my good close friends know have been a fun roller coaster. Whether it's work or social life, or school... it's been a lesson in balance. Yeah, balance. Maybe it's the Libra in me, but I actually need some form of balance in my little domain of a life. And i'm trying to get there. Sometimes it's within reach. You know, doing ok in school, making headway in other goals and wishlists, and work..well... just a nice day where I leave and i feel like i did something. And I really do apologize to Jess and Hailz for just venting, but for some reason, I find some comfort in that. I've taken up to mints' now and then, and yeah, i was behaving, but ..fuck, sometimes..well..more often than not, i wonder if it's a wasted attempt to try and go a little extra mile to impress anyone for that extra attention. so as I told Corral... 'fuck it', ... until i get my head screwed on right and kick habits.
point being. i don't know if there's really a point. anyways. on Jroo's xanga note, it was funny and cool reading about plan Bs and DBFs and RBFs and DGFs and RGFs.
"what d word?"
Date. Time to turn in my player card cuz it's been 8 years since I've been on a date. Well, I think so. Unless you count the time I went out with Amy to dinner... which was 2 yrs ago now..holy shit, HAS it been 2 years now? Either way, i cringe at that word. Jroo mentioned it:
I know what you're thinking: why'd you go on the date in the first place? If you're asking that, you clearly haven't read the multitude of posts about how I get TRICKED into these situations. Well, maybe not "tricked" so much as "asked," where I'll find myself ill-equipped, without an excuse, and without the grits to say no.
Honestly? cuz in the back of my mind, i'd rather go out. No worries or cares of fucking up. Peter Sarsgaard said it best in Garden State. I'm okay with being unimpressive, I sleep better. I didn't have to worry that so-and-so wasn't tricked or whatever into hanging out. And by now you might be thinking, not so much the best esteem right now? no, not really. just being honest. See it in that perspective. You never know unless you try, but you've got 6th sense and just whatever else. Maybe here lies my problem. I'm scared. I'd rather be like this for awhile and be ok then to try and get set back a few years. I don't know. I'm slowly getting out of my shell. But I'm also scared to see my shadow. this is when i am, one day at a time.
You got a minute?
At work, I ask myself, am I doing a good, decent job? Sometimes, it's rewarding, sometimes, it's frustrating, sometimes... i stare at my Serenity Prayer wall decoration. several times. and i can't do anything but watch. provide insight. whatever. sometimes, i ask myself, why did i ever say yes? pride. selfishness. reluctance. i just frickin hope i'm helping. that's all i hope and wish. fuck, i took pride in what i could do. you want it when? you can get it by then. watch. now... if they'd let me, i would and could. and yeah, i understand we work with folks outside our walls that make us want to pull our hair out and just scream. i feel their frustrations, but what can i do but listen and see what i can do? i can't wave my wand and make it happen. one, it's not the same, and two, it's better for others to learn what i learned, and i'm still learning. do i have a minute? it's all i have.
Hands and Knees
Dear God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm religious, but not fanatical.
I know stories, but I can't always pick out verses and chapters and the like.
I'd rather just... try and be good, and try harder everytime i realize i fuck up.
and then there are the times i just have no clue. i stare outside my window some nights and just look up. silence. something in that silence that makes me open my mouth and say words that don't come out... they just float out from my thoughts outside. help me. thank You for what You've given, and what You continue to do. Thank You for the answered prayers, and slowly but surely as I realize them, the unanswered prayers as well.
I just read this a few minutes ago...
and right now, i need it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
Tomorrow's another day. let's see what happens.
posted by Bum at 21:19
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home